It doesn't matter how many people you speak to during your 9 months and even after everyone has something different to say about being pregnant. No ones experience is exactly the same, I've constantly been reminding myself of this every time someone tells me about a bad experience because it can be terrifying but some people do sail through pregnancy and labour is a breeze for them so really you just have to sit back and wait till its your turn.
For me the first 4 months were spent in shock and constantly nipping myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Before you feel little kicks and start showing it can be quite hard to get your head round. Even after my 12 week scan, seeing our little baby on the screen right in front of us, I was still in disbelief.
I have spent a lot of my pregnancy smiling and laughing more than I have ever done before but at the same time I have also cried and felt so lost in a body that doesn't look or feel like mine, a body I have spent so long learning how to accept and love.
There are a lot of people out there who tell you how you should feel about your pregnancy, they also tell you that it is going to be one of the most magical and memorable times of your life, and to some extent that is true but it's not all sunshine and rainbows like some people like to make out it is.
I also deal continually with the fear of not offering our baby the best life we can offer or the fear of not being the perfect "mum". These feelings change day to day, our child is going to be so fortunate to grow up amongst lots of animals and have the freedom to wander around in the countryside. She may not get all the latest gadgets and tech but I can't really claim that to be a negative. I'd much rather have a daughter that can hold a conversation than unlock a smart phone at the age of 3.
I took a long time while growing up to accept and love the body I was in and even though I now look in the mirror and see a very different figure, I’m proud of my body and how amazing it is for creating this new life but that doesn't take away from the fact that it doesn't look like my body and I don't know if i'll ever get my old body back which some people may say doesn't matter and that looks are irrelevant but it's almost laughable that I spent so many years not being comfortable in my skin and now that I’m not the skinny mini I once was I want it back.
I’m not going to sugar coat it and say that I’m not tired and that my body doesn't ache, because it does. Growing a little person is no walk in the park and it definitely takes it's toll, you're constantly reminded that you'll be even more tired when the baby arrives, being told that pregnancy is the easy part. I’ve found that you're almost looked down on for not having the energy or even the willpower to be doing all things you'd do before.
Im full of love and joy for our future and I cannot wait to meet our little person.
Im now sitting between 6 and 7 months so the kicking has become a lot more apparent and the heart burn is like nothing I've ever felt before. However the fears and worries have started to take a back seat and the excitement and anticipation is shining bright. Feeling our baby moving and wriggling about is one of the best feelings but seeing Daniel's face light up every time he takes a hit from a tiny foot on the palm of his hand is something that cannot be replaced.
We are definitely getting a sense of our babies personality. Already she is letting us know that once she is here we will well and truly be kept busy.
We are happy and from what I can tell from all the dancing so is our little baby girl.
Night night,
sleep tight.
Amber Elizzy
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